Note to my future self: Things I must not forget about what it’s like to be a new mom

Photo by Kate Kroes Photography

It is already starting.  My memories of the earliest days as a new mom are already becoming a little foggy.  Because being a new mom (and in some cases any new parent) is a unique experience, I wanted to make sure I never really forgot what it was like during those first six weeks (or still is).  I want my future self, the one with a toddler or teenager or grandchild, to remember really what it is like to be a new mom so that I don’t turn into one of those people who do not get it.

Being a mom means entry into this (not so) secret club of moms where we all understand what each other are going through.  I did not realize that this club really existed, because I couldn’t see it with my non-mom eyes.  This club of supporters has gotten me through a lot of challenging moments, and I am so grateful.  Some of the most recent new moms in my life have been the most helpful, because they have not forgotten what I have written down here to remember.  My first task as a new mom is to pay it forward to those who come after me, and people did for me.  It is now a life mission for me to help other new moms.

So I say to myself, “Self, please don’t forget these things:”

• Don’t forget how hard it is physically on moms after having a baby.  I will not go into details or scare anyone away from having kids, it is still totally worth it.  But it goes without saying that it is tough on the body, and not only for a week or two but sometimes six or longer.    I will not forget to help people lift things or to share tips (NOTE: This does not mean unwanted advice) on all of the things that are challenging, like boobs, butts, guts, backs or anything else that doesn’t feel the same.

• Don’t forget what it is like to be postpartum emotionally.  I cry at baby shampoo commercials and YouTube videos.  There is a lot of information about baby blues and postpartum depression, but nothing that really gives you any real life or helpful information, or for the people who fall somewhere in between a two week emotional roller coaster and real “I want to hurt my baby” postpartum depression.  And there are a thousand steps in between.  The only resource is the aforementioned “Mom Club” so make use of this resource and ask what your friends’ experiences were.  The reason I know that my friends experienced some form of emotional challenges is because they were the same friends who asked me directly how I was feeling emotionally.  They are some of the same people I asked for help when I wasn’t feeling quite myself.  This stuff is real, and don’t forget it.

• Don’t forget how challenging it can be to get a stroller or a car seat through doors.  I am sure I will get better at it, but that means I have to continue to remember to hold doors, not cut people off, or get out of the way in the aisle when I see an infant carrier.  That shit is heavy.  I am also amazed at how many businesses do not have wheelchair buttons on doors.

• Don’t forget that it starts out scary to go in public with a baby, so be nice.  It is scary enough to think that, god forbid, your newborn wake up, or actually have to feed them or change a diaper in public.  Remember not to add to it with being an inconsiderate jerk in a hurry.  Also remember not to tell new parents, “Oh yeah!  Just bring the baby!”  As if it doesn’t require an act of congress to get them, and yourself, out of the house.

• Don’t tell pregnant people or new parents how they are never going to sleep again.  We know.  No seriously, we know.  It is just irritating both during pregnancy and after baby is born.  Did you know sleep deprivation is a form of torture?  This is true.  I don’t need anyone reminding me of the obvious.  And if you are lucky, it will be over before you know it.

• Don’t forget about the kindness of a meal, or some help.  That “pay it forward” rule previously mentioned is in play here.  I am so thankful for all of the wonderful meals that people brought over for us so we didn’t have to cook.  I was particularly excited about anyone who brought vegetables, so that my diet wasn’t entirely carbohydrates.  Delicious carbohydrates.  But no seriously, you need fiber.

• Don’t forget that taking a quick trip to the grocery store or to run an errand is not really a “break.”  Sometimes people ask me if I enjoyed my break, and the reality is I was running an errand as fast as I could without my baby so that I could get back since he would need to eat, and I never stopped feeling anxious about being away.  So no, I did not really enjoy my non-break.  I really just ran a lame errand that could be done faster without my infant and my incompetence as a new parent.  I will consider it a break when I can let go of the fact that I feel I should be at home with my kid.

• Don’t forget to wash your hands.  I don’t anticipate forgetting this, but just in case I get senile it is here in writing.  Don’t touch peoples’ kids without washing your hands.  I am still living in fear of my child’s first illness, so don’t let it be from you.

Future self: These are the things you should remember for keeping membership in the secret Mom Club and for being truly resourceful to those who come after you.  You’ll figure this stuff out eventually, so don’t forget what it was like.  Don’t screw this up.

Sorry I have been gone, I have been busy growing a person.

Photo courtesy of Kate Kroes Photography

For those of you who read regularly, I apologize for my absence over the last few months.  I wish I could say that I was busy solving world hunger or something, but the true story is that I have been working on some new stuff.  And the secret is out... that new stuff is growing a baby.  I won't post all of the time about baby things, I promise, but I do feel I should (A) explain myself and (B) do the first trimester it's due justice.

My husband and I were lucky in that we didn't have to try or wait very long to change from a family of 2 to a family of 2.5 once we decided to do so.  I know that not everyone has an easy time, and I am forever grateful that we didn't have to walk that line.  All in all, I have been lucky along the way in that I could have been really sick or had other complications.

With that gratitude acknowledged, I have to pay my respects to all of my ladies who have come before me and endured the silent suffering that is the first trimester.  Since we weren't going to be telling anyone yet, there was the solid month and a half where I felt pretty terrible and had to not look like it.  The hubs was the best, and he was nothing but supportive about the fact that I made the couch work overtime instead of hanging out with him while staying awake.  But seriously, (and I cannot explain this to men or women who have not been pregnant) I did not know tired like this.  I once did a few "long blinks" at my desk at work, and decided it was time to go for a walk before I straight up fell asleep at my desk.

I did not fully understand or appreciate all of the changes that come in the first trimester like feeling sick or tired, and I have total respect now for all of the ladies who have managed it, frequently without others knowing.  Or course, there are people around you all of the time that are pushers trying to get you to break the news on their terms.  Some stories from my friends and me include quotes like, "Why aren't you drinking, are you pregnant?" or "You HAVE to try this barbecue, it is the best around!" or "When are you guys going to start having kids?"  The answers are (1) Yes, but I refuse to tell you before my mom, (2) No I don't have to eat that barbecue because the smell of it makes me want to hurl, and (3) What if I had been trying for 3 years and you really hurt my feelings by asking A.K.A. none of your damn business.

Seeing as I felt nauseous most of the time for weeks, I resorted to lots of snacks.  Since people didn't know the secret, I have eaten many a granola bar in the bathroom because my incessant snacking was suspect.  Those of you who know me may be aware that I always have fantastic snacks with me anyways, so now by bag of snacks are really taken to the next level.  I am lucky that we solved that mouse problem a few months back, otherwise this would not be working out.

Now that I can stay awake longer than 14 hours in the day and feeling better, I am back in action.  I am so lucky to have lots of terrific friends who are moms before me to give me quality, real advice, pass on what they know, tell me not to register for that, and take great pictures of the journey (thanks, Kate Kroes!).  I am surrounded by love.

For the time being, here are the FAQs:

1. Yes, I do look like I have been eating a lot of pizza.  No I don't need an intervention, but thank you for the concern.  There is a baby in there.  A baby that likes specifically Palermo's sausage pizza.
2. We are not finding out if it a boy or girl.  Well, eventually we will in, say, October.  Adventure parenting.
3. Yes, October 3rd to be exact.  Hopefully I don't have a real overachiever in there who comes out too early to ensure I go back to work just before Christmas instead of waiting until the end of the year.
4. I have not read "What to Expect When You're Expecting."  I have heard the alternate title of that book is "101 Ways You Are Killing Your Baby by Eating and Breathing," so I think I am good without it.
5. Cravings? Yes.  They are very specific and generally good for one meal only.  And extremely difficult to predict.

The beauty of those that touch our hearts, coming and going

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The best part of last week for me was a grand total of about two hours, but consisted of much bigger memories.  I had the opportunity to see two of my favorite people, and rather unexpectedly.

My very first boss for my very first job in my career out of college was a well-timed and memorable mentor.  I learned a lot from him about business, about being a leader, and I will always remember the phrases he would say that would make us laugh and remember him long after we had all moved on to different things.  I had the first opportunity in perhaps eight years to see him, and even better, had the opportunity to tell him in person what an impact he had on the younger version of me.  I had always looked forward to the opportunity to see him once again, and it was a great moment.

I also had the chance to see an old friend, also from the same period in my life, and enjoy a chance to catch up over dinner.  Particularly coming off of a memorable reunion the day before, I could appreciate the time spent with a friend I had not seen in a while.

I was reminded of two things during these encounters last week.  First, true friends are just as much your friend whether it has been two days or two years since you have connected.  I always truly believe this, and I am amazed how things rings true time and again.  Second, I was reminded how important it is to tell others how much they have impacted our lives.  Without knowing, those mentors, teachers, and friends may never realize that the things they do make a difference in anyone's lives.  I hope the fact that I saw my old boss, told him what an impact he had, and that his team has all been so successful in their careers was enough to give him a new perspective on some old memories.

People come and go in our lives, I am just glad they come back from time to time too.

True confessions of the retail world, and please, don't be that guy.

I have a feeling that y'all have already started your holiday shopping, so this is my public service announcement for you.  As a veteran of the retail store battle ground, I am here to share some knowledge for you.  This is not knowledge about where to get a good deal, or how to get what you want this holiday season; there are a million other sources for that.  This is a snapshot from the other side - the retail workers.

While you are out shopping for Christmas gifts this year, might I suggest this year you do your best to take care of the people helping you shop?  Whatever craziness you are feeling for the holiday season, I promise you, yelling at the lady at the service counter won't help, and her day will be worse with the six other people who yelled too.

If I were to give you my best advice on being a shopper that doesn't make it into our dinner conversation, here it is:

Smile, make eye contact, and say, "Thank you."
Yes, this sounds oddly similar to what you might expect from retail employees, but we are people too.  And wouldn't it be nice for you to make someone else's day better too?  Try it, it's fun even when you aren't getting paid for it.  Trust me, you would stand out above the rest.

Don't get mad at me when there aren't any more PS4s on December 23rd.
Often the person trying to assist you in the store is not directly responsible for the outage of a product.  Please don't be mean about it.  Unless you want me to personally knit you a replica, it is out of my hands.

"Since it didn't ring up it must be free."
Oh boy.

[me] "Is there something I can help you find?" [you] "Yeah, my wife!" or "Yeah, a million bucks!"
That's a cute joke and all, but literally you are the 12th person to say that to me today.  I suggest coming up with something much more entertaining for us, like "I'm looking for heavy rope, black garbage bags, and a metal shovel," or "just  your beautiful smile," or start up a Hall & Oates song as a flash mob.  Something, anything.

Black Friday - do you really need that $6 coffee maker?
Whatever you are looking for on Black Friday, please do so with the mentality of fun and not trampling.  We don't want to have to budget for medical triage tents next year.  That $6 coffee maker will probably leak in 3 months anyways.

This is such an exciting time of year, but remember just because you won't see that person again doesn't mean they won't remember you.  I still remember all of the people who crazy yelled at me, so don't be that guy who lives on in our war stories.  If you go in with the mindset of having fun and bringing cheer to the people around you, I promise you will feel better than if you went in with a 'tude.

Wanna do the 30-Day Gratitude Photo Challenge with me?

Click here for the 30-Day Gratitude Photo Challenge

I thought this fun activity from positivelypresent.com would be a great way to stay mindful and present during the month of November.  You can take pictures, one theme each day, and post them on social media with #gratitude30.  I am excited to thoughtfully take my own photos but also to see what other people come up with each day as well.  Thanks to Positively Present for the post and the idea.

 

We start Friday, friends.

Try not to compare yourself to people on the internet.

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That is the funny thing about Facebook, and the internet, and magazines, and television; you only see the cover page.  Admit it, we have all done it.  We have trolled through Facebook pages of old classmates, exes' new partners, people we work with, and looked all over the media to follow celebrities.  Honestly, this is the only explanation for the fact that the Kardashians are famous.  Comparison and awe of others.

The problem with media sources is that they only show you the best pictures (um, usually), the best angle, how you have a lot of friends, and how you are successful in your job.  Celebrities and models have makeup artists, stylists, airbrushing, and they haven't eaten carbohydrates since 1999.  It is not a fair comparison.  And we can all agree that comparing apples and oranges doesn't usually add up, right?

I have always believed that the universe evens out the score across people.  For example, a beautiful person might be a really terrible dancer, or a very intelligent person might not have any social skills.  Some of those things we can see and some things we cannot see.

So if this theory is true, it would be wildly unfair for you to compare yourself to just the pictures and accomplishments, right?  Don't worry yourself with someone who lost weight and got hot, who finished more schooling, or who is having kids when you are not.  If we focus on being the best version of ourselves and not the best version of somebody else, we will certainly feel more successful.  Plus, that person that you are comparing yourself to based on their career growth might have a whole other element to their life that you don't see, and more importantly, don't want.

The bottom line is that we cannot control what others do, but we can control what we do.  Instead of comparison to others, make your litmus test based on yourself, your goals, and your life choices.  If you fall short, you control the equation.  And I am sure you would be amazed at what other people compare about themselves to your success.  Stop beating yourself up because your ass is bigger than that other girl's, because she might have ugly feet and not be able to wear sandals...ever.  Once we can stop comparison to others, we have more space for gratitude for the things that we do have in our lives.

Perspective.

Just because we don't talk much doesn't mean we are less of friends.

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Those really are the greatest friends, aren't they?  The ones that you might not even talk to all that often, but it doesn't make you any less of friends.  They are those friends that you pick right back up with even though you haven't spoken to them for months, years even.

I remember in high school when girls would get mad at each other because all of the sudden they had a boyfriend and they didn't hang out as much any more.  I never understood that, because isn't that how life goes?  The girl who was mad that their friend for ditching them for a boy might be the same girl who got married and fell off the face of the earth because she was trying to figure out what to do with her new baby.

The key is, that just because we are all busy, it doesn't stop me from loving you as a friend, missing you as a partner in crime, or respecting you as a person.  I have such an appreciation for my friends that don't dock me friendship points due to the fact that I am bad at keeping in touch, live in a different city, or worked strange hours.  You are still in my head and my heart.  I think of one friend in particular who I know that we never lose ground as friends, even if it has been six month since we have contacted each other.  I have so much thanks to give for that. (Thanks, Lindsey, you warm my heart.)

To keep with the spirit of friendship, I encourage you to reach out to two old friends that you haven't contacted for far too long.  Facebook and social media makes this easy, so no excuses.  I am sure you will enjoy it, and it will be a pleasant surprise to the recipient.  Thanks for understanding that I am a rotten pen pal.

Don't let anyone bring you down.

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Seriously, don't.  There are people all over trying to tell you about things that they might not be experts on.  Like me for example.  I am no expert, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt.  However, I have some fun thoughts to share, and my eyebrows are at least average so I think you are in the clear.  I talk a lot about things worth doing, so here are a few things worth avoiding.

Don't let people with terrible hair cuts cut your hair.  If they are supposed to be the experts, and they have bad hair, run.  I don't mean "edgy, but you couldn't pull it off" -type hair.  That is revolutionary, and you should get a hair cut immediately.

Don't surround yourself with problem-oriented people when you need a solution.  This is such a tough force, at work in particular.  Instead of hearing all of the ways that you can't, find people who can help you find the one way that it can be done.  Thomas Edison once said, "I didn't fail. I just found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb; I only needed to find one way to make it work."

Don't save things that you could be using or doing today.  I remember how I used to save things, like my favorite candle.  I would never burn it, saving it for some special occasion only to find that it melted in storage anyway.  Wear the shoes you are saving, burn the candle, use the expensive hair product.  The small treasures are what make them worth having in the first place.

Don't waste your time being upset at others.  Have a friend that wasn't a friend to you?  Instead of being upset towards them, either forgive them or simply decide not to be around them.  See a stranger who is a total jerk to you?  Imagine that they must have a tough life if they have to be mean to a total stranger, and have gratitude that you don't have to live that way.

Don't stop believin'.  Journey is never wrong.

Expressing gratitude (and some light reading)

Via betterworldbooks.com

I think that it can be easy for us to get caught up in the mundane or the frustrating details of daily life and forget some of the unsung but positive things that happen all around us.  We can have an impact on our own happiness as well as the happiness of others by purposefully expressing gratitude in our lives.  There are a lot of great articles about the benefits of expressing gratitude, which can include a boosted immune system, stronger relationships and better sleep.  Here are a few below:

Giving thanks: The benefits of gratitude
10 Reasons Why Being Thankful is Good For You

One form of showing gratitude that I love is the revival of an old school  method: the thank you note.  I adore a fantastic set of stationary, it makes that thank you that much more special.  My notecards show my personal style with heavy cardstock, quirky patterns or pictures, a preppy letterpress monogram, or a fantastic color.  This makes me much more excited to write thank you notes,  And, I think that the recipients that have attention to detail appreciate them as well.

I have read a few interesting books about the art of writing thank you notes, and they may inspire you to splurge on some fun note cards and write some unexpected notes of gratitude.

Via textbooks.com

A Simple Act of Gratitude by John Kralik is a memoir about Kralik's own difficult period in life that inspired him to write 365 thank you notes in the coming year.  The thank you notes brought about an amazing change in his life and his relationships with everyone around him.  I enjoyed the idea that the solution to a rough patch in your life is purposely bringing gratitude in others.

101 Ways To Say Thank You by Kelly Browne is a great book after you have been inspired to write a few notes.  It gives you a ton of great ideas how to write thank you notes for every occasion, and to do it with style.  I always struggle with what to say in notes that doesn't sound like the thank you card I wrote to my Grandma for my birthday gift in 8th grade.

However you do it, you might find a good lift in sharing gratitude with others, and by allowing yourself to pause and enjoy some of the little things for yourself.