Sunday, December 1, 2013

The perils of working out (A.K.A. farting during yoga)

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I am all for working out.  I have a membership to a very nice gym, and each time I work out I feel better for having done so.  The benefits are undeniable.

The first motivation I have to work out is so I can eat delicious food.  I don't eat terrible food all of the time, I eat mostly healthy food to counteract the two doughnuts I ate earlier.  The second motivation I have is of course, trying to be fit.

But let's talk about some of the less-glamorous problems with working out.  Exercise is a dangerous activity full of land mines for the average girl.

I love running outside in the fresh air!  Big boobs put a damper on that plan though, unless I am strapped in like a ride at Six Flags.  Do not mess around with only one bra, big-chested ladies, that shit is dangerous.

Yoga is a lovely activity that relaxes and calms the mind.  Hot yoga is even better if you are willing to really sweat.  So lovely that it is the best way to pay someone good money to take a nap.  And then, just when you slip away into a light sleep, you fart.  And now you are that person.  This is also possible during a well-timed downward dog, so I recommend scoping out a classmate that looks like the most likely farter, set up camp next to them, and look in their direction if one slips out.

Interval Training:
If you haven't done it in a while you might be at risk of puking.  Or, is that just me?  No, I'll bet it is not.  I once drank a beer at happy hour prior to my interval class, and I thought it might be the end of me.  I also had to lie on the floor for a while during my first ever P90X video to prevent an incident.  If this isn't motivation to go more than once a month, I don't know what is.

Even Zumba can be scary when you forget to reapply deodorant and you are concerned to do any above-the-head arm waves.  On an unrelated note, there are a lot of older men (as in, 55 and older) in Zumba classes.  I like that, because they are always the best at shakin' their groove thang.

Workout Machines:
Weight lifting?  I am the girl who looks at the machines, convinced that you need an advanced engineering degree to adjust all of the pins.  Treadmills?  Be careful not to run and fall off the back during a particularly fascinating TMZ TV segment.  Stair machines?  Ok, if you are draping half of your body over the side for stability, you're doing it wrong.

Be careful out there, ladies, it's a jungle.  But a necessary part of the day to let go of those crabby work feelings, work off that half-box of chocolate Lucky Charms, or just simply prepare yourself for re-entry into your home.  And pick something other than yoga if you have a lot of air flowing.

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